whatever…

The weekend had a bad start. A call that a family member had been hurt by someone that I knew was no good. I was the safe place and happy for it. But things weren’t moving in the direction that was going to be safest for my family member. The police got involved after I called and my Saturday night ended with the fact that the bad person was definitely not in his safe place, he was in jail. Sunday was …. well, I don’t remember Sunday. I know my mind was elsewhere. But Monday… now that was a monumental day. Me in court, someone else in shackles and orange. An exchanged look and a smile on my face. $35,000 bail and me feeling higher than any drug could produce. By mid afternoon I was at the doctor’s office. I had an evaluation for IOP. Last Thursday, my doctor felt that Intensive Outpatient Program (3 weeks long) would be beneficial for me as my depression has been severe lately. Thing was, I was a different person Monday than the previous Thursday. It was a different doctor, and the description of me Thursday was vastly different than what she was seeing. She wanted to know why. I filled her in. I kept trying to calm down and get off the ceiling. She asked more questions about what has been happening lately. As we talked, she said I definitely needed IOP. I guess that’s why she’s the professional, she could see right through the “high”. I start next week.

As this week has progressed, I see her point. I did spend 3 hours with someone important to me Monday night. We have had issues and the weekend made us have to deal with them to some extent. After a year of fighting, I was glad she was finally safe, whether she agreed she was once in danger or not. I think what happened last week to her daughter proves she and her kids were in danger. We have very different views on the drama that has been going on. But I figure, I’m in therapy, she’ll be starting therapy, we should be able to start working things out. So yesterday, I was well on my way of coming down from my “high”.

Today… nearly as bad as last week. I know that I was told that my main goal at IOP was to avoid avoiding. I have done this since at least 6 years old. Not all the time, just for the big stuff. I can see that the changes in my life this year have made more of an impact than I expected. Sure, every one’s kids move out. Every one’s pets die. And many have a teen who has a baby. Someday, we all lose our Grandparents. For me, well, maybe it just takes more for me to get through those kinds of changes. And them happening at the same time, well, it was just a bit harder for me than probably the average person. The doctor decided so far that the teen having a baby is the biggest issue so far. There are so many angles to the situation, it’s real hard to get a grasp of things. Today, my son was called to his girlfriend’s house ASAP. She needed to leave for work, wasn’t ready, no one was there to help out and their daughter needed attending. Boom! Okay, I guess there was no plan for AJ to babysit, hmmm. He didn’t work today. Why wouldn’t he be the one babysitting Rori in the first place to give Katie time to get ready and go to work. I was confused. He is still not home and is at her house watching Rori. Why doesn’t he watch her here? Why doesn’t he want to tell Katie that when she needs him to babysit, most times if not every time he can do it, but he can do it here just as easily as there? If they both work, I’ve no problem that Rori would stay at her house with her family. I’m willing to be the last resort, if that’s what you want to call it. It has been so good lately. Katie and Rori have been here more or with us more. Totally been awesome. Sometimes I get the feeling that things are getting better, but then not. Who knows, it’s gotta be my crazy problems. I just hate that I am closer to Keegan than Rori. I love Keegan, don’t get me wrong, but I just didn’t expect for it to be quite this way. I hold back with Rori. I don’t pick her up when I want to give her some love. I do it from a distance. It has improved, I’m slowly more and more comfortable with it that way. I just find myself lucky when it’s good, sad when it’s bad and struggling to figure out how to cope in the mean time. I asked AJ if he wanted to move in to at Katie’s today. I have not wanted to ask that question. One, it’s a bad idea. He’s 17 going on 14 some days and I have much more to teach him before he’s ready to move out. Two, I’m not ready to not know what is going on in his life, though that doesn’t mean I do now. And three, I don’t want him to think that I don’t want him here. That is sooo not the message I’m wanting to send. Sometimes it’s just so frustrating, I don’t know what else to do. This is not how things were supposed to turn out. Maybe I was … and am, unrealistic in what to expect. Did I say the IOP was only 3 weeks long? Maybe I’ll have to stay longer. Fuck! Aren’t ya’ll glad I’m not hiding from my blog now? I’m not glad.

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~ by mamadubs on August 29, 2007.

One Response to “whatever…”

  1. […] was loser #4’s pre-trial hearing and I was planning on attending.  I got there early but the court and […]

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