Woe is Me

The year is half over. I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. School just let out, Aleck is already bored. He is setting up for xbox Live. Though since he got grounded from the computer and video games.
Rori is 6 weeks old. AJ was there over night Saturday night. Came home today. I’m having a hard time being my cheerful self around him. He knows something is up with me. He finally asked tonight. I’m disappointed with him a bit. We had a talk the other day. I thought I’d get to have or at least see Rori more, much more than I am. I spent the last 6 plus months excited about a little baby sharing all our lives. As it is now, we haven’t seen Rori for 12 days. To some that probably doesn’t seem strange. But when 4-5 days a week, I am dropping off my son and am literally yards away from my Granddaughter and I don’t get to see her, it’s hard. He said he is happy right now. That he doesn’t mind seeing Rori only at Katie’s house. He just wanted her to be here so my feeling wouldn’t get hurt. Well, that’s not how I pictured this to be. I thought that he’d want me to have Rori sometimes. He knows how much I love having kids and babies here with me. And one that is my grandchild, I’d treasure that. He reminded me that Katie did say I could come see Rori twice a week at their house. I wouldn’t mind that, especially because it gives me the chance to visit with the rest of Katie’s family as well. But I don’t want that invitation to be out of obligation. I don’t think I did anything that would warrent this situation. Someone needs to tell me if I did.

Some friends of mine have asked why I’m getting a new little puppy. Honestly, aside from the fact that I am an animal lover, and that I’ve wanted a little teacup sized dog, I am needing something to replace the pain I’ve got right now. I learned early on in life, how to cope. Good or bad, it’s how I do it. If it hurts, I find a way to run from it or disguise it or replace it. I did try the running away from it, as I force myself to not want to see Rori. I don’t have a single picture framed of her. I don’t need more of a reminder of what I can’t see or can’t hold. I should have known better. I usually expect the worst on most things. If it turns out as bad as I’m prepared for, well…. I’m prepared. If it turns out better, I’m even happier. I am better at protecting myself than this.

I hurt everyday. I feel like someone has died and I’ve lost very good friends all in one swoop. Oh I hanging in there. If it weren’t for Katie’s parents I’m not sure what we’d do. They see our pain. I think we’ve all built this relationship that we don’t want to lose. Just me putting off the emotions is all I can do to get through this and hope that Katie comes around. So for now, I’ve got the arrival of my little one to look forward to. Can you believe it? I haven’t even thought up a name yet! I feel like I’m waiting for my surrogate mother to deliver my baby!
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~ by mamadubs on June 10, 2007.

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