The first of many

Avoiding my blog and not writing my feelings isn’t working. So….. Here is the first of many posts where I will cover the struggles of the road to being a grandparent (when my son is only 16).

Where has the time gone? It’s been five weeks now that I have been a grandma. Each day it’s a tiny bit more real. If we were around our granddaughter more often, I think I would feel it more. But still we sit and wait for the new Mommy to be ready to share her more. Our son as had only 2 occasions that he had Rori to himself. 2 times in 5 weeks. 2 times in 5 weeks that our family has had to bond with this little wonder. And those 2 times…. 2 hours long. We’ve seen Rori more, but not much. We all know that the time we have with her is so short and precious that we tend to want to hold her whenever we are around her.

Right now the relationship between me and AJ is suffering terribly. There is a lot of tension. Neither of us know what to say to the other. He doesn’t want to talk about Rori or Katie because he knows I’ll be upset or hurt. I don’t want to ask about Katie and Rori because I can’t hide the feelings I have and it shows in my voice. He then starts to try and do whatever he can to make me happy and it’s tearing us all apart. He works so hard to make everyone happy but there is no way for that to be possible. I’ve reserved myself to not talk about or even think about Rori. It hurts less this way. It’s too bad really, she could have 2 sets of grandparents that can love her up. As it is we do it from afar. I hate having to drop off AJ at Katie’s. It’s just a big reminder that I don’t see her or that she has never had the chance to bond with our family. You all know how it goes. I’m afraid this is just the beginning. Katie and her parents say to be patient and Katie will come around and start to feel comfortable at our house again. Then we will see her and Rori. It’s easy to agree to be patient, but really hard to do. The longer that we agree to staying away from Rori to wait for Katie to feel less stressed, the harder it will be for Katie to let Rori be at our house. Some say that Rori will always be in our lives, AJ is her father. Sure … but to what extent. That we know she exists? I know now why Amanda was upset that they chose to name Rori, Aurora. She wanted that name to be part of our family.

AJ spends as much time with Rori and Katie as possible. After school on his days off work and I’ve actually let him spend the weekend at Katie’s house so he can be with Rori as much as he can. I agreed to let him do that and he could do baby duty in the night, give Katie a break. Things were going to improve that way. I’ve yet to see much of an improvement. I don’t want him to stay there anymore overnight, but I feel like I am punishing him. I thought with the new parents being in a relationship, this was going to be easier than it is. At times AJ feels Rori is Katie’s only, not his. He’s afraid to say much to Katie, says he is just happy he can see his daughter. So I try, try, try and keep my mouth shut. Try and act happy so he doesn’t sit and worry. So he has a good time with his daughter instead of spending it worrying how we are feeling. Jeri and I are going back and forth. Each of us has broke down to the other with tears and anger and confusion. The other of us picks that one up. So many people ask how it’s going and when will they see Rori. I struggle with do I tell the truth or fake it so everyone thinks things couldn’t be better. It just saddens me that this all could be so good.

I hate the word patient. “In time it will make you stronger…” I work so hard to keep my kids from pain and suffering, keep my whole family from it. I know it’s unrealistic. It’s life and life is hard, and it sucks. I just don’t like my heart broken. And seeing what is happening to AJ is breaking it. He shouldn’t be afraid to talk to his girl friend about wanting to have more time with Rori, or wanting her to be at our house more. But he is. No way to go through life. My job is to make sure my child is happy and healthy. He has more to learn. I can be a good grandparent by teaching my child how to be a good father. It’s all I got. Think positive, right? One thing that I know helps me is journalling. This is my journal. I have been avoiding it, afraid of hurting someone’s feelings by what I feel. But I’ve got to record it. Someone out there may have some good advise. And maybe someday, I’ll still write that book and help out someone else.
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~ by mamadubs on June 4, 2007.

2 Responses to “The first of many”

  1. Gosh what can I do to help you. It too hurts me to see what as happened to both families because Katie has issues. I am not sure what those issues are, since most parents are thrilled to show off their new baby and are happy that people want to hold them, especially the Grandparents. Being a Granparent and a new father regardless of age is suppose to be the thrill of your life, and it breaks my heart that you, Jeri and AJ are being stripped of this joy. My last few minutes with Aurora was the hardest thing for me as well since all I could think of was when will I ever see her again and how sad that as it stands now she (Aurora) will not know and receive the true love and affection of AJ and his family. The longer she is kept from all of you the harder it will be to be close. I have that same feeling with our own family of which I won’t talk about now. All I can do now is pray for all of you, and please try to rekindle the closeness that you and AJ have had in the past, he needs you more now than ever and Katie and her family can never replace that bond between you.

  2. Hello, I came to your blog by way of MyBlogLog and the moment I saw that you are the mother of a teen parent I had to read more.

    You see, when I was 16 I had my first child and a month later his 16yo father and I were married. Wow, talk about hard. No one really helped us or supported us past letting us begrudgingly stay at their house (my mother, his father, etc).

    At 17 we lived in our first house together having to pay all the bills and have the weight of the world on our shoulders.

    Mothers like you are fantastic and you should be so proud of yourself. I can tell you love your son very much and it looks like you try very hard to help out and show that love. He is very luck to have you. Not everyone is so lucky.

    That grandbaby is also extremely lucky as well to have so many people who love her and actually WANT her around. You’d be surprised how many grandparents in this situation refuse to even see the child.

    I’m sorry you don’t get to see your little sweety much right now and that things are tense with your son but if you just keep doing what you’re doing I have no doubt that it will all be rewarded.

    Patience sucks to be honest (lol) but unfortunately sometimes we have to be. If things don’t end up working out just keep being there for your son and help him make sure he realizes in his heart that it is his baby too. She is forever a part of him and he should never let anyone take that away (not you but I have a feeling you know who/what I mean).

    Anyway, sorry to be so long winded. Good luck and thank you for being the great mother and grandmother that you are.

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