What has been our minds lately

I received a phone call from the finance lady today, she told me there is possibly a way to get AJ’s name on the birth certificate. There would be some paper work to fill out and we will have to give it to the courts and a judge can rule on it. Court? Not sure if it is there or in an interview with a judge is how it gets decided.
Later in the day, Blane gave me a call. Katie was upset today when he picked her up from school. She said that he thought more of AJ than her. I am not sure where it all came from. I guess Suzie called Blane today also. Though she gave him different information than she gave me. She had picked up on the fact that Katie had been upset when we had our meeting and the custody topic got brought up. I guess it’s probable that AJ would be unable to attain partial custody because he is a minor. Yes, I know… Katie is too. That’s the way it goes. At 18, of course is a different story.
Blane said he wasn’t sure what was upsetting Katie for sure, but wondered if it had to do with custody issues. You hear the word custody and instantly react negitively. It’s just the way things usually work when dealing with custody issues is unpleasant. Maybe this is why Katie got upset at the mention of it. Possilbly that she thinks we want full custoday. NO! Not even in the slightest. I am just wanting to get things finalized. Everyone is in agreement and it just seemed a good time to get it done. I certainly did not mean to upset her, and I feel very badly about that.
So why is Katie so upset? I’m not sure if Suzie let Katie know that she looked further into the issue of custody, and that is what upset her, but it did trigger Blane and I to do some talking to help each other understand the other’s point of view on things. It has been a blessing that we have built this kind of relationship, that we can talk to each other. I’ve included the comments, check those out.


~ by mamadubs on February 1, 2007.

6 Responses to “What has been our minds lately”

  1. Hi Bobbie,

    I did talk with Katie after we spoke.
    I am sure she would have called you, but she is working this afternoon.

    I think everything is fine. I spent a few minutes explaining how you and I feel.
    I was able to bring home to her, I am in her corner. WE are in her corner. I explained what you told me about how you explain Katie’s point of view to AJ.
    Let’s plan all of us getting together tomorrow evening.
    I get off at 11:30 tonight. I would be happy to swing by after work.

  2. I am sitting here feeling bad knowing you are feeling bad.
    As I was driving in, I am thinking there is a lot of good in all this.
    It might not seen like it right this moment.
    I see a lot of great communication happening, and a lot of understanding going on. I see growth, lots of growth.

    Katie is still a teen with the mindset of a teen. She is the center of the world, like all teens think and feel. When I talk to her about the big picture. I see her eyes start to open up, and understand.
    My heart goes out to her on how hard this must be for her. She needs to grow up in like 10 seconds. In many ways, she is ready, and in many she is not.
    After my talk with Katie, I can assure you she was feeling much better. I wished I had more time, but I will be talking with her more tomorrow.

    Don’t worry, all is fine. Some day we will look back on all this a have a good laugh.

  3. I have been wanting to share this with you.
    I hope I say it right.

    AJ and Katie should be 50/50 when it concerns Rory. But I don’t think it feels like it “right now”.

    If I was to create a chart on who has more say.

    Katie is #1 because she has Rory inside of her
    Blane and Loraine #2 because we have say in what Katie does.
    Jeri and Bobbie #3 because you have say in what AJ does.
    AJ is #4

    Could it be you and I are on the same mission? Do you see it like this too?
    I would like to have AJ up there sharing the #1slot.
    My mind then pops back to the issue “We are not done raising our children”
    We are not ready to release them into the world.
    I’ll be honest, I have been thinking about it for a long time. I am not coming up with an easy answer. I tell myself, all this will work out once Rory is born.
    When AJ can hold her in his arms. He will then feel he is truly 50/50.

    Are we feeling a lack of trust with our children? Is it we not confident they are ready for this? I tell myself, ready or not, she is coming. But I don’t find a lot of satiation or comfort in this answer.
    Some days I do feel scared.
    However, I look at our kids and I see they are doing an awesome job. I understand why we are scared, it’s out of love for them.
    Because this whole thing happened so fast, are we just trying to catching up with it all? Is that were the uncertain feelings are coming from?
    Can we allow ourselves to give them room to adventure out, and figure this out for themselves?

    I like to question this with a question. What is the worst thing that can happen?

    Something may come along they can not handle. The nice things is, all of us are very much in the picture. They have us to come to for anything.

    Should it be like we are reeling out a life line, like those floatation rings on a ship? We are still holding the end of the rope. We can pull it in at any given moment.
    Is the answer to let them swim out there for a while? See what happens?

    I know I am asking a lot of questions here. The more questions I seem to ask, the more question that pop into my mind.

  4. I think we both are a little afraid to say what we may be feeling in fear of upsetting each other. That’s why when I said that we are already so willing to talk, and we have to remember that we have to listen as well. That we will at some point disagree with a decision, but we have to be patient with each other and try and understand the other’s point of view. I was saying it for both our benefits. This is how I am: when I find someone that I value, I am in that relationship for good and bad. If I expect that from my friend than I can be no different. It is what I offer. There will be decisions that they will make that I may not agree with, but if I am truly a friend, I will try and understand and treat them no differently. I feel the four of us have become friends, and we continue to build on that. The difference here is that the decisions we make actually affect each other. I guess that just means we need to keep the lines open so we can understand what each other is thinking.
    Your ‘ chart’ that you talked of, I think, was right on the money. And of course we would like to see AJ and Katie to be in it 50/50. When does that come into play? I know he wants it that way, but when is the appropriate time frame for that to happen? We can not underestimate the bonding that will take place between baby and father once she is born. (by the way I read that after she is born, the father should spend time with baby laying on his bare chest for good bonding..she can hear his heartbeat and smell him.) I think AJ will feel after that, that he is as much father as Katie is mother. I so feel for both of them. The struggle in their minds of hurrying to be adult and staying kid. How are we going to make sure this happens?
    You asked if it is us who is unsure if they are ready to handle all this. And you are right saying ready or not is not helping answer that. I worry they are not ready. And then they will do something that makes me say, ‘ Wow.. these two have got it together’. Of course I still think there will be times when they feel they can’t handle it. I wonder if that will come when they are struggling to be adults and kids at the same time and handle whatever Rory brings their way.
    I have been thinking about all this for a long time too. And mostly I have tried setting some aside thinking we have time to figure it out. As you know the living arrangements is one of my concerns. It was a while back when the topic of them living as a family and traveling between the houses was brought up. I remember that just before that, I had picked up AJ from a visit with Katie and he was sad. I had asked what was wrong and he said, ‘ don’t bother buying a crib because Katie and Loraine want Rory to just live there.’ I asked if that was what he wanted and he said it didn’t matter. I felt bad for him. I think that’s where some of his feelings of Rory being more Katie’s than his originated. Aside from that time, I realized, I had never actually asked AJ what he wanted. Did he have any thoughts on a living arrangement that would work? I asked him that tonight. He said he would need to think about that. I asked if he was wanting to live full time as a family? His first response was no, he didn’t think either was ready for that, that they both needed their families and time together and apart at the same time. I was glad that he didn’t give the, “Oh cool.. living with my girlfriend, yeah that sounds fun” kind of attitude. That he was trying to look at it objectively. I said, (while holding my breath), do u want Rory to live there and you will see them as often as you see Katie now? He jumped at NO! (what a relief) He said, he wants to try and think before he gives me an answer. I appreciated that he wants to make a decision that will be in everyone’s best interest. When I make a list of all the things that need to be juggled by them…

    time with each other alone
    time as a family
    time for Katie and Rory alone
    time for AJ and Rory alone
    time with friends
    sports or other activities

    Oh gosh… that just really overwhelmed me typing that. Could easily put me in a panic attack. I know that couples do that all the time. But then I remember that those couples are older and more mature. Not that I think of either of them as being immature, but I thought I had it all together at 20, and nope… didn’t. Can’t imagine all that at 16. Ok… panicking again over here. I keep hoping for someone to swoop down and tell us, do this, do that, and things will work great! No one is showing up yet. So maybe talking with the social worker will help. I think Katie & AJ have an appointment this month with one from Bright Futures, but AJ isn’t sure when that is. I’ll have to ask Katie… oh, need to ask her too if she has contacted church about the baptism. Okay.. this all my brain can handle for this moment. Email me back and let me know what you think about all this.

  5. I have been re-reading your e-mail.

    That’s the way it should be. All of us should be able to express our point of view and know it’s Ok to do so.
    We truly have become friends. I think it’s the newness of the friendship that might make us feel like we need to walk on egg shells.
    No, it’s not just that.
    We are in a more intense relationship. Let’s just say it. It has to work out for all our sakes.
    Bobbie, I know were your heart is, and you know were mine is. That makes a huge difference in understanding.

    I just got off the phone with Loraine. I filled her in on the conversations with Susie Grant, and with you.
    How did Loraine put it

    “There is nothing AJ can do to Katie were she would ever keep his daughter from him. When you decided to have a child with someone, you need to do what is right by everyone.”

    This is Loraine’s exact words. I called her to repeat them to me, so I could type them in here.

    I have heard the same thing were a baby hearing her dad’s heat beat brings them closer. All this is going to happen. We are going to look back on all this with a huge feeling of relief.

  6. “When you decided to have a child with someone, you need to do what is right by everyone.” … Loraine Overland

    I believe I will be asking Loraine to use that quote in my book. It’s awesome! I think we got a lot accomplished today in all the sharing we’ve done. I’m glad the crib deal is all straightened out. We actually haven’t bought one yet, but we have been looking and think there is one that will work well. Gosh I don’t blame Katie for being overwhelmed if she thought that straight out of the hospital we expecting them rotating weeks. I was more thinking like after a month or something. Give her time to adjust to everything. Poor girl.. I wouldn’t want to do that to her. AJ talked a little more tonight. We tossed around a few ideas, but I still think we have some time and meeting with the social worker for all of us could answer more questions, especially if it’s just a meeting concerning that. I would really like some advise from them on that subject. Then we would have time to really get into talking about ideas. The first meeting we all had was just trying to get as much info as we all could. I am not sure they expected us all to be so involved. I could have used another hour of talking and question asking. But you know me, I love to talk anyway. I know what you mean about not rushing a bull. None of my kids are Taurus, but it’s still the approach I take with them. I put my foot down when I have to about certain things, and there are those little things like… ‘you HAVE to do your thank you’s from graduation’ that I do say you have to do. Of course I try the easy approach first, then sometimes need to say you ARE doing this. I feel that my job as a parent is to teach. They will learn better if I go slow and teach them rather than to demand. I don’t think you had to jump through hoops, I remember Amanda at 16(.and her sign had nothing to do with it). Plainly stated… it sucked! Come to think of it, so did 17 and the beginning 18. Glad that time has passed us. But like I said, I know we have some time yet to get the living arrangements worked out. I just explained to AJ that I would really like to see something decided by the time Rory comes along. At the time that she enters this world, I would really like there to be nothing to worry about and figure out so everyone, especially AJ & Katie, can just enjoy this little gift. All the wonder and questions will be gone, and we can just have an awesome time soaking up that little ray of sunshine… see how I did that… ray of sunshine… that’s my hint to Rory to be a good girl for her Mom & Dad.
    Well… we prob should talk about meeting tomorrow. when is good for you?

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